Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Blogging from A - Z Challenge April 15 M

M is for Monogamy

A couple is a conspiracy in search of a crime. Sex is often the closest they can get. - Adam Phillips

Through all my sexual travels, experimentation, playfulness, in the end I've come to the conclusion (and I'm willing for life, experience or a really good argument to talk me out of this) that monogamy is the most most intensely erotic, most subversive, dangerous exhilarating and exciting form of sexual relationship.

I have been married before, but my first marriage was very ... traditional. I met my husband through the church in the course of our years together, we both left and once we put religion behind us, our differences became much bigger than our sames. Lust, while sexually consistent was not exciting in that marriage, and I really didn't experience sexual thrills consistently until I left that situation.

Given my experience, I was quite anti marriage, and particularly anti monogamy. I followed all the contemporary ideologies on the subject: not natural, against human instinct, impossible, the death of lust and desire etc. It was a few years later, that I fell in love with a man who was the first true monogamist I had ever met.
He would say to me:
You are every woman I have ever had and you are every woman I will never have. 

Monogamy for him was a work of art. Sex didn't die with its declaration, it was born with it. For him, sexual expression was a dangerous, exciting thing, that had to include deep intimacy. We included sex in all our moods, we did it when we hated each other as well as when we loved each other, and talked about it a great deal. We used it as a form of expression of the relationship, and tried, within the bounds of love and decency, to never refuse the other. Part of our relationship was a promise to each other to be completely responsible for our own sexuality, to bring it to the other, and be as open and vulnerable as we could. Sex with this man was by far some of the best I ever had, and it taught me a great deal about the beauty, passion and terror of properly expressed monogamy.

The relationship was only a couple of years long, but I have used the model we created as a template for all my future relationships. It has not always been successful, because it is a huge, radical thing for a person to commit to themselves at that level, and then to bring that to a relationship is even more shocking, but I do know every one of my encounters has been greatly enriched by the efforts to realize it. I don't like to talk too much about my current relationship, but it goes without saying, this is something we are both very deeply committed to.

Radical monogamy, does not necessarily have to last forever, but it is the most exciting connection I've ever experienced with any human creature.

Each of our relationships is different, and we are different in each of them. this is what makes monogamy so perversely interesting. - Adam Phillips. 


  1. You have probably seen the better side if monogamy >:)

    Cold As Heaven

    1. I definitely have, but most people don't even realize there is a possibility of a better side. I was lucky enough to meet someone who taught me, and I never looked back after that.

  2. I love monogamy and would not be with someone if they decided to go to someone else. It would hurt too much and I deserve better especially with all the diseases out there. I don't think many people still do the safe thing when they are not thinking with their brain. Now that is me and I have a friend who loves sex and has experienced many things and it works for him and good for him. As long as the people are Ok within their own skin is what matters

    1. I agree Birgit. I have no problem with the folks who love to take lots of partners and the folks who prefer to stay with one - however its the one's who need to cheat on someone who are out of good faith. If you really can't stay faithful, you need to come clean and let your partner go so they can go and find what they really want.

  3. The way you have grown to define "radical monogamy" and monogomy as "a work of art" is truly beautiful. And something I would really like to experience. I'm curious, is there any art or literature that you've come across that really drive this vision home?

    I'm thinking past the overly-abundant sex-positive, post-feminist writings, which tend to focus on what's ok instead of an artistic vision of extreme sexual and emotional vulnerability. My first thought is erotica, which captures the imagination, but doesn't really plant a guiding framework to help define radically high standards for monogamous intimacy.

    1. Hi Chris,
      thanks for your comment and thanks for reading. I agree that there should be more positive thinking around the subject of monogamy, particularly as more heterosexual couples are choosing to remain childless.
      Monogamy as a radically co-created art form is an exciting idea that liberates monogamy from the "child/money" discourse and creates something interesting from its own history.
      I'll see if I can dig up more about it.
      Thanks for a great comment.

  4. Fantastic, and makes sense. Look forward to what you throw together!